Madness, Memoir, Menagerie

What Polyamory Means to Me

(Originally started November 2020, completed November 8, 2021)

Why polyamory?

I can only answer for myself. There are as many ways to be polyamorous as there are people who are polyamorous. The following is a snapshot of my personal journey.

Polyamory reminds me every day that I am not alone. That no one is an island. We each bring different things to the poly family (polycule).

It’s been more than two years since I dropped a blog post in which I came out as Polyamorous and pansexual. For me, that was a big moment of liberation, in that I let go of any pretense at all of hiding who I am from those around me. Ironically, almost no one really read it. That’s ok. I’ve been coming out again and again ever since that moment. Each time I do, it’s affirming all over again.

As I share who I am, who I’ve always been, with each new or old friend or relative I am granted yet another opportunity to feel and express my joy and gratitude for all the gifts an authentic life can bring. And I get to take a moment to live into the love I feel for my partners as well as for my community in a deeper way than I would be keeping it all to myself.

As for most people, 2020 brought with it many tests, trials, changes, losses and gains, both to myself and to my polycule (polycule is a common term that polyamorous people often use to refer to our partners and their partners as a group). At the beginning of 2020, I dated someone new. It was beautiful, but it turned out I wasn’t ready to add anyone to our little cluster just yet. As the pandemic swept in and re-ignited old anxieties and triggers, I found I was ill equipped to handle my own emotions let alone the extra give and take that new relationship brings. So I ended it–and chose the long standing friendship we’d already built. I dug into self care, therapy, inner work. My polycule supported me as I fell into guilt and depression about it.

Then came one of the biggest, hardest rollercoasters I faced in that fateful year. I closed my 10 year old sewing business. I’d poured so much of myself into my work that I barely, rarely knew where I ended and it began. Closing it was like watching a beloved friend leave me forever. Again, our polycule carried me. Supported me. Loved me. Encouraged me, us, as Zen and I embarked on new paths to fulfill the call of creative work that we both love.

I grieved all summer, kept digging with therapy and more self care. Art. Zen. Polycule love and support.

Then, in November, Zen’s husband broke his wrist. Our polycule supported them. We fed them. We shared in driving and some help with expenses. We’re always catching each other–so no one falls completely now. We’re a family. We share pains as well as joys in each other.

I cooked all of Thanksgiving dinner for the polycule and for another friend we invited into our lives at that moment in time. Cooking for everyone was a gift to me in and of itself. It helped heal the longing I’d still been feeling from losing my Grandparents a few years ago.

Fall passed into winter as we continued to all care for one another, celebrating birthdays, joys and sorrows and the holidays. As the seasons turned, I fell in love again, with Maurice. He brought to life other facets of me that were in the background with other partners. Another benefit and joy of being poly. I bring different parts of myself to the forefront with each partner and together they love and bring out the whole me, in ways that enrich all of our lives.

Navigating the ups and downs of new relationship energy and reconciling new love with ongoing loves had and still has its challenges but again, the polycule carries me. We carry each other.

My husband was out of work from April 2021 until recently and we’ve all had challenges making ends meet, but we’ve continued to be here for each other and for friends along the way. I won’t recount all of them, but every week brings new questions, new difficulties and new opportunities to rediscover who we all are, individually and collectively in our polycule. At the end of the day, we all love each other. We share our troubles and our celebrations with each other. We are made stronger by that foundation of trust and communication and shared experience. It is, perhaps, Ohana in that truly no one is left behind or forgotten.

I know that polyamory isn’t for everyone. It requires hard work, communication, trust, honesty and perseverance–just like monogamy. We make mistakes, we work through them together and we forgive and move forward–just like monogamy.

I don’t know what the future holds. I only know that I am grateful for the love and support of my polycule and of my community of friends and family who have taken the time and done the work to learn about our family and have accepted us. It is good to feel seen. Going back in the closet is not an option. So we live our lives out loud now, advocating and educating whenever and however we can.

Invite me for a cup of tea, as I said in my earlier post. I’ll answer most any question and maybe we’ll know each other better after. Be well and be safe my loves.

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2 thoughts on “What Polyamory Means to Me

  1. Sweet to read all of this. Sweet to know that it can be done. I so know it’s a lot of work, and so good to know about all of you. Mine was a lot of heartbreak, and ultimately the loss of my only child. But to the other parent. Long story. Shall I put on a pot of tea? 😉 Seriously, if I lived anywhere near, we would meet, somehow, somewhen. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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